Don't do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Their tastes might be different.

Credo quia absurdum est: I believe it because it is absurd.

Est natura hominum novitatis avida: It is the nature of man to long for novelty.

One man's idea of cruel and unusual punishment is another man's idea of a great weekend.

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm.

Whoever says a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush ain't been puttin' his bird in the right bush!

Killing two birds with one stone is never advisable if you want the birds alive.

The early bird gets the worm.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten by the bird.

It is better to ask forgiveness after the fact than permission before.

Make sure to use protection during anal sex--you don't want her giving birth to a lawyer.

"There is an old illusion - it is called good and evil."     --Nietszche

Censors are people who know more than they think you ought to.

Desperate times call for cheap shots.

If at first you don't succeed, pull the pin and run!

Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by law.

What's the big deal about gays in the military? I think gays have the right to shoot foreigners, too!

Lust will find a lay.

I am a firm believer in my right to do anything I cannot be stopped from doing.

At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.

Your lover is the enemy. Go fuck someone you hate.

Life is a tragedy to those who feel, a comedy to those who think.

"Quand la morale triomphe, il se passe des choses tres vilaines." (When morals triumph, many very evil things happen.)  --Remy de Gourmont

I'm too demented for just one person...I should be twins...

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage.  You should be fit to be tied. --Byrne

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults in adultery?

Love a lesbian. You usually get two friends for the price of one.

You can't be a pervert!  I'm a pervert, and you're never at any of the meetings.

PMS allows a woman, once a month, to act like men do EVERY DAY.

Happiness is finding your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton.

Tis better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a jerk!

I spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I wasted.

Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another a dollar, and see which will respect you most.

Where are we going? Why am I in this handbasket?

Oblivion: An escape from everyday mindlessness.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

"The passions become evil and insidious when they are considered evil and insidious."  --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Ambiguity is the Devil's toothpick.

There are two kinds of people in the world--those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover's better.

The world is like a cactus except the pricks are inside.

Sects, Sects, Sects! Is that all you monks think about?

It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."  --Frank Zappa

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

It's you and me against the world--when do we attack?

A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again.

There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes.

Being weird isn't enough.

Chaotic amorals have more fun.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes on the roof and gets stuck.

History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?

Ignorance is bliss, but it'll never replace sex.

Passing directly from barbarism to decadance.

The worst thing about censorship is it desensitizes people to violence -- censorship IS violence.

Yield to temptation---it may not pass your way again.

Born again virgin

Everything that sucks isn't bad.

Grab them by the balls---the hearts and minds will follow.

I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

If computer dating fails, just trust to lust.

If you had any last night-smile!

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Love thy neighbor, but be sure her husband is out of town.

Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Moderation is for monks.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet pain on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.

Two's company, three's an orgy.

Unicorns aren't mythical; virgins are!!

Virginity can be cured...

Videotape is the physical embodiment of instant gratification.

Patriotism (n): The willingness to kill or be killed for trivial reasons.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Chaste makes waste.

The wages of sin are unreported.

Science has invented a perfect aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, it only works on bugs.

She offered her honor. He honored her offer. And all night long he was on her and off her.

History is made at night.  Character is what you are in the dark.

Punk Medicine - Take two of anything and call anyone you want.

Do it today. Tomorrow it will be illegal. 

Things worth having are worth cheating for. 

Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. 

Women should be obscene and not heard. 

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 

If it takes one man and one woman nine months to make a baby, putting nine men on the job gets it done no faster. But, depending on how friendly the woman is with the nine men, it could be a whole lot more fun.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

The unnatural, that too is natural. --Goethe

Birth, Copulation, and Death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks.

Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel.
--H. L. Mencken

A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.

What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.

Superstition sees the Finger of God even in trivialities.

You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.

Civilization is an exercise in masochism by most, in sadism by few.

If you can keep your head while all about you, others are losing theirs...perhaps you're the executioner.

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

"All's fair in love and war" - What a contemptible lie!

Another genius thwarted by an incapable assistant.

Love is what's left over after skepticism is applied to feeling.

"Justice" is a search for workable customs.

"Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you."  --Beelzebub.

"Press to test." <click> "Release to detonate."

First rule of marriage: If you're right, apologize fast.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

6.9 <--- A good thing ruined by a period.

A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

A bigot will not reason; a fool cannot reason; a slave dare not reason.

A friend is a person who knows you and still likes you.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A TRUE friend is someone who will help you move...a BODY.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mule dressed in a tuxedo is still a mule.

A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

A whippersnapper has nothing to do with sex? Drat!

A wholesome mind is wasted potential.

American Sign Language has 15 signs for stupidity; 3 for smart.

Abandon the search for truth: settle on a good fantasy.

Actions are neither as good nor as evil as impulses.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

All I want is a hot woman, cold beer and unlimited power.

All great truths began as blasphemies.

All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat."

An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.

Animal attraction: here for hunger or for love.

Anticipate temptation, then be selective.

Anyone can hate. It costs to love.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Over and over.

Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Bachelor: A guy who has cheated a woman out of a divorce.

Bachelorhood should be taxed; such happiness is valuable.

Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

Casual Sex: When a body meets a body o're a pint of rye...

Celibacy isn't hereditary. Your children force it on you.

Charcoal, lighter fluid and a match ought fix this.

Charm: A way to get "yes" without asking a question.

Check your seatbelt. I wanna try something...

Claiming mental bankruptcy is always an easy option.

Dear Santa, I want a copy of your list of naughty girls.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

Everybody lies about sex.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Fucking: It's not just fun, it's Nature's Law.

Facing the facts makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Few things upset my wife. Glad I'm one of them.

Folks who have no vices have few virtues.

Fun, fun, fun, til her daddy takes her dildo away!

Go thou and sin more creatively next time!

Gonads: The Thinking Man's Tools

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

Grab 'em by the short hair, get a sex harrassment suit!

Gravity always wins.

Greed is good, greed works.

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

HONK if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a Truck!

Happiness is mandatory....Are you happy?

Happiness is no laughing matter.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Hasten to laugh at everything, or later you may weep.

Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy.

Have you been sleeping in strange beds?

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned.

Help me look, please? I've lost my damned innocence again.

Hire the morally handicapped.

I went into a deli. I ordered a sub. I was disappointed.

Any day when you're looking down at the dirt instead of up at the dirt is a good day.

How do you spell relief? O-R-G-A-S-M!

Humans are animals in search of the ultimate orgasm.

Humans sin by omission as well as commission.

I feel better than James Brown... how do you feel?

I have the simplest of tastes. The best is satisfactory.

I kinda like the feel of a couple extra feet in my bed.

I prefer wicked over foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.

If it appeals to everyone, evangelists will target it.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??

If marriage were illegal, only outlaws would have inlaws

If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.

If you kiss and make up, fight with the opposite sex.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast...

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

It all hinges on your definition of a "good time."

It's been too quiet. Let's go bomb someone.

Kinky is feathers...perverted is the whole chicken.

Light sleeper sleeps with light on; hard sleeper...

Except for 75 of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.

A dirty mind is a joy forever.

Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!

It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.

"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
-- Chekhov

"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with  the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe

"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."
-- Butler

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does  woman want?'"
-- Sigmund Freud

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all....

Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.

You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

Your love life will be... interesting.

Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Marriage: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love. In short, committment to an institution.

Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporaryrelief to nymphomaniacs.

I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.

I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.

I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'

I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.

I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned.

I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about.

If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.

If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.

Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.

And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-- Charles Dickens
